I went out to some bars last night with my roommates, and I noticed something interesting. Bars usually include three kinds of people:

1. (the category I put myself in) Friendsters. These are people who just want to go out with their friends, have a good time, and relax after a week of work, school, or whatever.
2. Partiers. These are the people who go to bars, looking to get wasted and hook up with someone. Sufficed to say, this group probably accounts for 85-90% of the people you see in bars these days (in Boulder, at least).
3. Desperates. These are the people who, sadly enough, you see all over the place: sitting by themselves, drinking, not having the stamina or courage to mingle with anyone, all the while hoping that someone will find their clothes, the way they sip their drink, etc. attractive and come over.

Considering the amount of people you generally see in groups 2 and 3, it's amazing to realize that nearly 99% of people in bars these days are looking for some sort of "comfort," if you will, and think that it'll be easier to find when they (and others) are drunk.

I'm not exactly sure why, but when I began to realize this last night, I felt sad. Have we really reached a point where we value ourselves so little as to look for that "comfort" in situations we know are dangerous (or, at the very least, not really what we're looking for)?

It amazes me sometimes that college is where you're supposed to "find yourself." It seems to me that throwing kids into a whole new way of life to fend for themselves should destroy lives by the dozens...but it doesn't. Somehow, we each go through trials and struggles to build the people we're supposed to be, and at the end of it all, we're 150% different from the person we came into college as.

I look at Desperates, and I can't help but feel sad. That could have been me. That could still be who I am, some day. Is the need for acceptance so great that we drive ourselves to bars, sit around and hope that someone comes up to talk to us? Where did our sense of self-worth go? I cannot fathom how it could be so readily lost.

~#~

This summer is flying by. For all the stress work can bring sometimes, the busyness is keeping the pace active...only, this particular summer, that's not such a good thing. I'm constantly hit with the realization that this summer will eventually usher in my senior year at CU, and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to leave behind a life I've only just become accustomed to - I don't know what I expected when I came to college, but I certainly didn't expect the time to so rapidly pass by (although, I suppose that should have been a given).

In conjunction with this realization, I've been having a constant thought lately: has my life the past 3 years led to something? Did I accomplish something during that time, or was it all spent to easily before being forgotten? I can barely remember even last year - it's like the intensity of each new endeavor in my life overwrites the memories of the previous one. That's a scary thing - it makes me consider the possibility that it's all been a wasted effort.

My intuition tells me that someday, I'll look back on my college days and say, "Wow - I can't believe how much I grew during that time." I get glimpses of that, even now. I guess it's a treatise on my hatred of how life's lessons only appear long after their carriers have gone.

~#~

I won't quite yet say why, but my excitement for life's possibilities has been growing each day. I'm excited to see each day, and whatever it brings - it's been a long time since I've felt that way. Hopefully it works out. :)

Chasing some sort of ethereal dream

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I needed to more accurately capture my thoughts at the young age of 21. I've tried, several times, but each time, I get bored with the concept and simply stop. Hopefully, this time around will stick.

(and it might help to make this thing look a little different than the default layout Blogger gave me - yikes)

Today, the CEO of Applied Trust - the company in Boulder I have a summer internship with - asked me if I'd be interested in working some hours this fall. I told him that school was probably going to be evil to me this semester, and that I'd have to think about it. He responded, "School should definitely be your first priority - but we'll be extremely flexible. It'd be fun to have you around."

This made me do somewhat of a mental double-take. This internship has been incredibly different than those in the past - before, none of my employers knew how to "correctly handle" an intern. I would sit around, doing almost nothing, and in the end, the only reason I was liked was because I jumped on (read: devoured) anything handed to me. ATE is different; they've kept my pipeline of work full from Day 1, and though it's been overwhelming at times, it's given me an opportunity to grow intellectually.

*snore*

Here's what I'm getting at: I'm actually considering working 10-15 hours a week during the school year. I really like it - I like every single person (personality is more of a plus than any technical skill set here) and they treat me with respect and kindness. And truth be told, I enjoy the work (when I understand it). It's intriguing and every day is different - there's rarely a moment life can go stale here.

However, this consideration led me to another thought: life is changing, rapidly. Talk to me even a semester ago, and I would have said that there's no chance in hell I'd stay in Boulder. But now, is that for certain? As the curtain on my time at CU swings a little nearer to close, can I really say that Boulder is not an option? All those dreams I had of going to different places, living elsewhere - were those incorrect lines of thought?

On the flip side, what if ATE/Boulder is not where I'm meant to be? What if I'm not meant to stay in a cubicle for the next 5-10 years of my life? What if the excitement of this job should fade after six months?

My roommate Bret said it best last night - life gets you into situations, and just as soon as you're comfortable, it's time to move on. I know in my heart that that quality makes life an adventure - but standing on the actual precipice clouds my vision a bit. These decisions are huge, life-changing ones, and they fall onto each and every one of us. Every day has the ability to affect lives - at least our own - forever. I'm not sure if I like having that responsibility, because even at this age, I'm still not quite sure if I'm supposed to be making mistakes. There's some primitive part of me that still believes that I need to be cold, calculating, and perfect with every decision I make...

...But that's not much of a life, is it?